I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
*sewing*
A thread
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Worth remembering.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.