“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
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Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy