“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
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STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.