I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
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2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Welcome
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.