I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.