I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold


“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash


How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?


“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”


ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start


Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.


First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.


Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called