I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
They must have gotten it to go.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Life cycle of cat
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants