I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
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‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.