I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
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Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.