I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks