I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
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[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Breaking news:
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.