I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
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No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
A leaf blower, but for people.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what