I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
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Good morning
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
i meant to share this earlier
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
this is what they would have looked like, though
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
*pronounces UPS like yoops