I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
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Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
me when the borders lift
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking