I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
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My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.