I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

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My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.


The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”


[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo


Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.


Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…


At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.


Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…


In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham


Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.


Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..


Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.