@sizabledickhead

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

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@ndiquote

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

@NottaBigDeal

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

@Gre_Gone

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

@GeorgiaBruh

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

@wildethingy

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

@CynicalTherapi1

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

@AlexKaan47

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

@Jitokeze

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

@wildethingy

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

@BradNewsBears

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.