I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
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“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Donating blood today to make room for more food
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Good morning
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.