@Robert_Beau

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

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@sug_knight

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

@jojipaints

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

@KalvinMacleod

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

@vonTraphaus

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

@fillthevacuum

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

@FilmsWeWant

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

@FunInternetGuy

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

@Alex_but_online

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

@PhilJamesson

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

@ScollarsCoin

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.