I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

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In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook


Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.


Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related


“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands


I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.


A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.


-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-


Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.


“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm


We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.