Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
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911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
me: my friends:
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”