Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

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my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her


“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously


Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.


Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101


If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv


It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.


I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.


When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.


Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.


Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…