Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
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My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs