@stephenjmolloy

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

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@FredTaming

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

@Browtweaten

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

@Donna_McCoy

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

@imence2

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

@noneofyours99

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

@NintenDom

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

@brunopieroni

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

@Aikiwomannc

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

@3sunzzz

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

@MrsGoose69

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…