IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
We’ve come full circle
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!