Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
You Might Also Like
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Once again not all heroes wear capes