Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
bears
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.