“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
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Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
こいつ天才
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.