Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
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Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.