Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
They must have gotten it to go.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.