Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

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I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.


“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.


JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age


Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.


Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok


Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.


Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.


On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.


me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt


Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*