Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
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Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.