[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

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Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!


its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads


If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.


If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.


Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?


I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567


I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.


When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.


married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me