[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
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A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime