@KalvinMacleod

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

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@MarfSalvador

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

@thegallowboob

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

@TeflonPawn

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

@ValeeGrrl

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

@matt_travelling

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

@thegrugq

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

@aimlessamers

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

@MyPornKhan

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

@E_lok44

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me