[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
You Might Also Like
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
the greatest twitter interaction
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks