Ice skating is like walking in cursive
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later