Ice skating is like walking in cursive
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.