Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans