Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
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I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
BETRAYAL
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Admin smashed it 😂
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday