I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
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What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Just a friendly reminder!
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)