I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
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Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and