@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

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@RealDMK

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

@mommajessiec

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

@alfageeek

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

@IHideFromMyKids

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

@birbigs

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

@Home_Halfway

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

@TweetPotato314

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

@DaddyJew

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

@shutupmikeginn

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

@behindyourback

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.