I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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My life coach traded me.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Most fashion shows these days…
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy