I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store


Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”


Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.


My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch


One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.


KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait


Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?


Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.


Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it


Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.