I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
twitter is a journey
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
so i’m at the stock market right