I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
You Might Also Like
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Basketball games are very squeaky.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.