I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*