Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.