Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.