I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
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“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.