I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
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They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Spa day..😅
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”