I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there