@TorturedCameo

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

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@CynicalTherapi1

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

@osigat

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

@ChefRonSullivan

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

@jakelikesnaps

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

@noog

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

@ParaJanitor

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

@IamEnidColeslaw

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

@ShaunRightNow

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.