I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler