@TorturedCameo

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

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@AngryRaccoon2

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

@Annekinns

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

@mommy_cusses

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

@meantomyself

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

@serialmatrix

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

@OllyiConic

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

@aaronflarin

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

@robyn_vo

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

@YoungNobler

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

@mynameisntdave

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.