I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

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Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.


When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.


If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”


Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …


damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about


Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me


My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.


trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song


Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.