I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
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For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh