I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
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My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Well, that didn’t work.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.