I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
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Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
#catsoftwitter
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.