@swiftenhaal

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

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@MaryKoCo

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

@jimmytorosian

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

@robdelaney

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

@TopherKearby

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

@TheIronSherk

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

@relatabledad

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct