@swiftenhaal
@Ginjarella Bit chilly again tonight.
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@Ginjarella 
@ellle_em U talkin 2 me?
@MaryKoCo *Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
@The_Troy_Show Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
@capnwatsisname Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
@jimmytorosian What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
@robdelaney My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
@TopherKearby Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
@TheIronSherk I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
@relatabledad no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct