“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.