“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
It’s a gift
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
being a writer on Twitter:
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.