“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

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An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car


Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?


*types ‘snowflake’*
*types ‘snowflake’*


My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest


How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.


Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.


Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.


Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling


I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.