I’d … I’d rather not.
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings