I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.