@Nickadoo Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
@richforri “I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
You Might Also Like
@Nickadoo 
@Breadery *Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
@smiles_and_nods Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
@TheRealNickKay WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
@vladchoc Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
@Reverend_Scott Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
@notfaizzy My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
@AudreyPorne if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
@English_Channel a rare painting of a porcu’melon
@RandomAntics as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.