“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
How all things should be taught/explained.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now