@richforri

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

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@Nickadoo

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

@Breadery

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

@smiles_and_nods

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

@TheRealNickKay

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

@vladchoc

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

@notfaizzy

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

@AudreyPorne

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

@RandomAntics

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.